Your First Trip to a Dungeon: What Nobody Tells You Before You Walk Through the Door

There is a strange moment before your first visit to a dungeon when your imagination starts working overtime.

You picture walking through the door and finding twenty-seven men in leather harnesses staring at you while somebody in the corner swings a paddle the size of a canoe oar. You wonder whether you wore the right underwear. You wonder whether you should have worn underwear at all. You start worrying somebody is going to ask what you're into, and your only truthful answer is, "I have absolutely no fucking idea."

Then you walk inside and find a bunch of guys talking, laughing, checking out the equipment, introducing themselves, and trying to remember where they left their clothes.

Welcome to your first dungeon experience.

If you've been curious about visiting 5710 Cleveland but haven't worked up the nerve, here's what we'd like you to know before you arrive.

You're Going to Be Nervous. Almost everybody is. There's something intimidating about walking into a space where you don't know the people, the customs, or what happens once the door closes. Add nudity, kink, leather, restraints, paddles, cocks, balls, asses, and equipment whose purpose isn't immediately obvious, and your brain has plenty of material to work with.

You might sit in your car for five minutes before coming inside. Come inside anyway. The first few minutes are usually the hardest. Once you've checked in, looked around, and realized nobody expects you to perform, the whole thing starts feeling far less intimidating. Nobody hands you a riding crop at the door and says, "Good luck."

You Don't Have to Know What You're Into. This deserves repeating because newcomers put enormous pressure on themselves to arrive with an established sexual résumé. You don't need one.

You don't need to identify as dominant, submissive, switch, kinky, vanilla, leather, pup, slave, master, boy, daddy, or anything else. You don't need a fetish. You don't need experience. You don't need to know whether being tied up sounds hot until you've had a chance to learn what being tied up involves. Curiosity is enough.

Your first visit might teach you something surprising. Something you expected to love might leave you cold. Something you never considered might suddenly make you think, "Well, shit. Apparently I'm into this." That's part of exploring.

You Do Not Have to Play. Some guys walk into a dungeon ready to get strapped to something. Other guys need three visits before they'll take their shirt off. Both belong here.

Watching is perfectly acceptable. Talking is acceptable. Asking questions is acceptable. Sitting somewhere comfortable and taking everything in is acceptable. Your first night doesn't become a failure because nobody touched your ass.

In fact, watching experienced people interact often gives you a much better understanding of dungeon culture than jumping immediately into something because you think you're supposed to. See how people communicate. Notice how someone asks permission. Watch what happens before a scene starts and after one ends. Pay attention to how people respect the space around an active scene. There's a lot happening besides the obvious stuff.

Nobody Has the Perfect Dungeon Body. This one matters. If you're picturing a room filled exclusively with muscular 28-year-olds wearing perfectly fitted leather, you've spent too much time online.

Real people have real bodies. Bellies show up. Gray hair shows up. Wrinkles show up. Scars show up. Skinny guys show up. Big guys show up. Hairy asses show up. Smooth asses show up. Cocks come in every size you've already heard about, and gravity has been working on everybody. A dungeon isn't a bodybuilding competition.

You also don't need to get naked. Depending on the event, you'll see everything from jeans and T-shirts to underwear, harnesses, leather, fetishwear, and nudity. Wear something appropriate for the event and comfortable enough for you to relax. You can always take something off later. Putting your pants back on in a hurry is considerably less elegant.

Ask Before You Touch. This might be the most important rule in the building. Seeing someone naked doesn't mean you have permission to touch them. Seeing someone restrained doesn't mean you get to participate. Seeing a beautiful ass doesn't turn it into community property. Consent matters every single time.

If you're interested in someone, talk to him. If you'd like to do something together, ask. If he says no, smile and move along. "No, thanks" isn't an insult. And if somebody asks you to do something you don't want to do, you don't owe him a complicated explanation either. "No, thanks" works beautifully in both directions.

Don't Interrupt a Scene. When people are actively playing together, give them room. A dungeon is social, but an active scene isn't the moment to walk over and ask, "Hey, what kind of cuffs are those?" Save the question for afterward.

Don't touch the participants. Don't touch their toys. Don't lean against equipment they're using. Don't insert yourself into what they're doing unless you've specifically been invited. You also shouldn't assume every intense-looking scene represents distress. BDSM sometimes involves sensations, sounds, positions, or dynamics unfamiliar to newcomers. If something genuinely concerns you, talk to dungeon staff rather than barging into the scene yourself.

Ask Questions. One of the easiest ways to feel comfortable in a dungeon is to admit you're new. Seriously. "I've never been to a dungeon before. What's this thing?" That's a great question. "Is there somewhere I shouldn't stand?" Also great. "Do I need to clean this when I'm finished?" Excellent. "What the hell is THAT for?" Depending on what you're pointing at, potentially our favorite question of the evening.

Nobody was born knowing dungeon etiquette. Experienced kinksters once stood in front of their first piece of BDSM equipment wondering where all the body parts were supposed to go. Ask.

Clean Up After Yourself. Sexy and sanitary belong in the same room. If you've used dungeon equipment, follow the venue's cleaning procedures afterward. Use barriers where required. Pay attention to bodily fluids. Wash your hands. Use fresh supplies. Don't leave towels, condoms, lube packets, or other personal items lying around.

If you're unsure how something should be cleaned, ask. Nobody expects you to arrive with a microbiology degree. We do expect basic consideration for whoever uses the equipment next. And yes, showering before you arrive is appreciated. Your fellow dungeon guests thank you in advance.

Don't Arrive Wasted. A dungeon is a terrible place to surrender your judgment before you've even surrendered your pants. Consent requires people to understand what's happening and make decisions for themselves. Intoxication muddies those decisions. You also need coordination and awareness around restraints, impact equipment, furniture, stairs, and other human beings. Come ready to enjoy yourself, not so altered someone else has to manage you.

Your Body Might Do Something Embarrassing. Bodies are unpredictable. You might get hard when you didn't expect to. You might not get hard when you absolutely expected to. You might sweat. Your stomach might growl. Your knees might crack loudly enough to interrupt the soundtrack. Welcome to having a body.

An erection doesn't automatically mean somebody wants sex. A lack of an erection doesn't automatically mean somebody isn't enjoying himself. Don't turn your body's every reaction into a performance review.

You Might Be Surprised by What Feels Intimate. People often arrive expecting the most memorable part of a dungeon to involve pain, bondage, nudity, or sex. Sometimes the thing you remember is conversation.

Maybe somebody notices you're nervous and introduces himself. An experienced guy explains a piece of equipment without making you feel stupid. Somebody invites you to sit with his group. You have a conversation with a man you never would have met anywhere else. Dungeon spaces work best when they're communities rather than collections of equipment. That's a big part of what we're building at 5710 Cleveland.

You Are Allowed to Leave. This sounds obvious until you're standing somewhere thinking, "I came all this way. I should stay." Nope. Stay twenty minutes. Stay three hours. Watch. Participate. Don't participate. Decide this isn't your thing. Decide this is absolutely your thing and wonder why the hell you waited so long. Your experience belongs to you.

The goal of your first dungeon visit isn't to prove how adventurous you are. The goal is to leave knowing more about the space, the people, your boundaries, and perhaps yourself than you knew when you walked through the door. And if all you accomplished was walking through the door? For a first visit, that's plenty. Next time, you won't have to sit in the parking lot quite as long.